On the very worst
morning of someone's life, Jimmy Enterprise awoke to the sound of his annoying
alarm clock and to the sight of his wife, fully dressed, and wearing as well
her most serious face. “Jimmy,” she said, then had to wait for Jimmy to turn the alarm off, before
she could continue, “Jimmy, we need to talk.”
Jimmy's wife's
name was Clair. It used to be Clair Convoy, but it was Clair Enterprise now,
obviously.
Jimmy had met her
at a cocktail party he had crashed when he was in college. He couldn't remember
now whether she had been a guest or a waitress, but they had left together and
woken up the next day in the same bed. Large amounts of alcohol probably
contributed both to Jimmy's blurriness on the details, and to his successful
conquest.
They had then got
married, agreeing that they were deeply in love and wanted to spend the rest of
their lives together. After the honeymoon, they decided to spend some time to
get to know each other. They balanced this with their various jobs, as well as
with making and raising five lovely children.
Jimmy learned
that his wife was a well brought up girl from a good family from uptown, that
she had attended excellent schools, from kindergarten through graduate school.
She was an excellent cook, as well as being very pretty and very clever, and
Jimmy loved her. She loved him, too, or so Jimmy had assumed until that fateful
morn. Many things he thought were soon to be turned on their heads.
“Honey, there's
something I haven't told you about me,” intoned Clair forebodingly. A long,
dramatic pause ensued. “I'm a fish.”
Jimmy stared at
her, perplexed. He wasn't sure how to respond. Finally, though, he decided to
proceed with caution.
“And what about
our two sons and three daughters?” he asked tentatively.
"Also fish.”
"Am... am I
also a fish?”
"No”
"No?”
"You were
never a fish.”
"Well, can I
be a fish?”
"No.”
"Why not?”
"Don't be
ridiculous, Jimmy! You're just not a fish.”
He thought about
this for a while.
"Then who's
the father?”
For a moment she
looked bashful, but immediately she looked up with defiance in her eyes. “Ted,”
she answered, head held high, daring him to do his worst. Jimmy lowered his
eyes.
"And,” he
mumbled, “is Ted a fish?”
"No.”
Jimmy was
dumbfounded. “What?” he managed after a moment, “Then why? Do you love him?”
"No.”
"Do you hate
me?”
"No.”
"Am I
sexually inadequate?”
"No. Listen,
Jimmy, you'd have to be a fish to understand. Some things, you just can't
understand if you're not a fish.”
As Jimmy watched,
openmouthed, Clair spun on her heel, and began striding towards the door.
“Come, my little fishlings,” she called, and the five children followed her
meekly out the door, which slammed shut behind them.
For a long time
Jimmy could only stare at the door behind which his whole family, his entire
life, had just disappeared. Finally, he seemed to come to a conclusion. He
turned slowly from the door, and went to fetch his fishing rod.
May 2011
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